Everything I'm afraid of

I am afraid of sitting beside Oprah and not knowing how to answer a question. I am afraid of never sitting beside Oprah. I am afraid that I won’t ever finish my book. I am afraid that I will.

I am afraid of saying something derivative. I am afraid of bringing through something new and exciting that I can’t explain clearly.

I’m afraid that my writing is morphing into channeling. I’m afraid that it isn’t. I’m afraid of being unable to speak. I’m afraid of speaking too much.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

I’m afraid of being unable to think anymore, afraid of being cut off from inspiration and the new and exciting things that I see. Even if I can’t explain them ever. I am afraid of Alzheimer’s which runs in my father’s side of the family. I am afraid of mental illness, which runs on my mother’s side.

I am afraid of being out at the front of the leading edge of the work that I do. but I am out here. I’m afraid someone will see me out here. I want everyone to see me out here. I am afraid of not being out here. I am afraid that my need to be seen out here, at the leading edge, saying important and inspirational things , distorts the work and my ability to deliver it.

I’m afraid of distorting the work with my need to be recognized. I am afraid that if I got enough recognition for the work and out even if it was distorted — I wouldn’t be brave enough to point out the distortion. I’m afraid of power. I’m afraid of the responsibility. I want the responsibility.

I am afraid of being given power to manage. I am afraid of not being given power to manage. I am afraid that it is taking so long to get this project done that I might run out of time. I’m afraid of running out of time. I’m afraid of running out of ideas before time runs out. I’m afraid of boredom. I’m afraid that I’m wasting time. I’m afraid I’ll never lose this weight. I’m afraid that I will — I did once before I know how. I’m afraid that I will lose it and that I will just gain it all back again.

I’m afraid of sharing all of this. I’m afraid of keeping it all inside.

As I wrote this all down, the strangest thing began to happen. I realized that I’m not afraid of any of this. Not really. The part of me that thinks it’s afraid is just one part of me. The truth is, I have only ever been afraid of one thing —the feeling of dread when I approach these edges of power. That doesn’t scare me any more.

What a remarkable thing to see.  I’m not afraid.
Not anymore.