Images form the world through us
... also, a post from my re-birthday.
Today, one day after my birthday, which falls each year on 8/8, the annual opening of the Lion’s Gate portal, the crew took down the wall between my son’s room and my daughter’s. This morning, just before they arrived, I found the wall between two aspects of the self - this is not a coincidence.
Still, what does it mean? Everything? Nothing? I don’t know.
But listen…
things are happening.
I am writing a book proposal about removing the wall between humanity and the imaginal, between the sacred and the everyday, between the feminine and the masculine. The wall between shadow and light.
This morning, upstairs - the wall is down. What used to be three tiny rooms in a tiny converted attic is now one big bedroom - a new bathroom.
It’s gonna be beautiful but right now, it’s all messy middle.
Kind of like my book project. Kind of like the world.
The former president’s home was raided. He wasn’t home. I guess his staff handed over the keys. The FBI crawled through the spaces, searching for evidence. Carting out file folders. They opened the safe.
Just days earlier - this is all one week! The contents of shock jock Alex Jones’ cell phone were ‘accidentally’ sent (by his lawyer) to opposing counsel who, now that those phone records are on the record, was asked to forward them to the Senate Committee investigating the insurrection.
When things in my life rhyme with things in the world, it fascinates me. It makes me pay attention. I know that images form the world through us.
Today, I’m thinking about the archetypal image of a portal opening. Of planets aligning. Of walls coming down and safes opening. What does it all mean? Everything. Nothing. I don’t know. But I’m intrigued. I’ll keep watching.
Yesterday, in the wee hours of my 65th birthday, I couldn’t sleep. I was flooded with images, ideas - all the feels.
I woke at 2 a.m. unable to get back to sleep. It's hot here - but not that hot. Normally, I have no trouble sleeping but today.... I don't know... ('m 65, which is one of those ages that feels important. Milestone markers. I didn't much notice turning 40 or even 50. So what? I thought. I feel the same.
65 is not like that. I feel this... pressure.
Maybe it's because I have a book proposal due and I can't close my hand around what the book is about - well, that's not true. I know what it's 'about' - embodied imagination - I just can't find the structure. I don't think that way.
When I write, writing flows or it doesn't flow. It always flows. Unless I am asked to structure it ahead of time.
I can't outline what I haven't yet encountered.
Can I?
I mean, I teach people to dream.
And to listen to the dream around them.
How might those skills help me now, at 2 am?
When I am feeling suddenly 65 and, for the first time in my life, as if I might not have time to get it all done… I have so much to get done.
Building a dream for the future was never an issue. When I was younger, I envisioned myself out there, across a landscape of time, older, wiser - a little gray around the temples.
Now, I am her, and pregnant with that wisdom, eager to share it.
Now, sharing it feels urgent, almost painful.
The early twinges of labor and delivery.
A few nights ago, I dreamed of my son's birth.
34 years ago.
The pain and confusion as my body took over. It knew what to do, moving muscle and bone out of the way - it was all so visceral. My body so certain about what to do.
The aspect of self I knew as 'me' had nothing to do. This was out of my control.
This was between body and baby - but also, there were doctors and nurses and a midwife who, in the end, wasn't much help at all.
"I" surrendered, watching from afar, yielding to that body wisdom (where had it come from? I hadn’t known was there)
- and those doctors, whom I trusted with … everything.
I couldn't have done this alone. But I did it - the hard work of making new life.
C-section. Sleep.
Hours later, holding my newborn son, "I" returned and so did joy - and surging hormones, pain and tears but this joy. A wild and savage joy I'd never felt before. A joy I would feel again, two years later, with a better midwife, more presence to my own needs, and a daughter in my arms.
Born at home.
This week's dream retold that story - but differently.
In the dream, there was confusion and people helping and suction and I couldn't breathe and then, there he was - and this rush of intensity.
He was here! This person. I... made him.
He made himself, inside of me. Wow!
I had never loved anyone like this before.
Waking up, I knew this dream was pointing to the new birthing, the re-birthing that was happening now. The birth of a book, the birth of a 65 year old woman. I was graduating motherhood and moving into the next phase: Wisdom years, Medicine Woman. Elder.
I don't yet accept the name of 'crone'. My midsummer birthday in a week of 90-degree days, makes it hard to imagine the Calleach's icy bones replacing mine. I feel her approach but there’s still time. The span between us, wide enough for quite a lot of living.
Today's 65th birthday marks a re-birth (my own) and a re-boning. What I mean is - There was another dream. Earlier this year, maybe the year before.
A great hand came down and reached into the top of my head. It took hold of something and pulled upward - outward - a second skeleton had woven itself around my bones. That's not mine! I realized. The second skeleton was slimy and nacrotic, a deadening thing. I was so glad it was gone.
Pulled out of me by the hand of Grace. Taken away. No longer my concern.
I felt my body ease, my heart came to rest
my true bones settled into place.
I felt spacious inside.
There was room now, for me.
”I” was home.
So, this is what I came to say.
I am home now: and most of the time, I and my body are one. When "I" goes out, triggered by some shock or sorrow, I know how to call her back.
With gentleness, listening, the support of my husband
- the deeper wider joy of these adult children.
This is the landscape of the wisdom time.
Between Mother and Crone.
I think I can get back to sleep now.
That's what I woke up to say.
A marvelous awakening in the middle of the night.
happy re-birthday to me.
More Writings
A post you might have missed (cuz I didn’t send it out)
The Longing to be seen, the trauma of emergence
Also, I’ve started a quiet secret stash of my memoir work over here.
Summer News
Changes to my One on One sessions
In my last post, several people responded to my invitation to talk with me on a sliding scale so I’m making sure EVERYONE sees this offer.
I’m very much enjoying talking with clients this summer. I’m meeting lovely new people and getting reacquainted with old friends. If you’d like to talk with me 1:1 via Zoom or telephone, I’d love to meet you. I’ve opened more morning sessions and I’m trying a sliding scale. Here’s a link to my appointment calendar. It’s $125-300 per 90 minute session. If you want to talk with me but this is outside of your range right now, tell me. When the ground is trembly, we need to hold one another in blessing. This is how I do my blessing work. Everyone’s got a different money story. You know what you’re willing (and able) to pay for a conversation with a person like me. I trust you.
To price your own appointment, use the code PERSONALPAY when you schedule your call. Send me an email telling me the fee you’ve selected. I’ll send you my Venmo info - or, if you prefer, I’ll shoot you a Paypal invoice that you can pay in installments.
Spiral Journey 2023
It’s only July but one person has already signed up (Update: three people have already signed up) for Spiral Journey 2023. I’m delighted that the work is already calling the next cohort. (I don’t even have a webpage up yet!)
Sunday Sanctuary is returning
It’s like church - cuz a) we talk about the divine (aka unconditional love), and b) we explore spiritual solutions to material situations (aka prayer, visualization, blessing). It’s not like church cuz a) I’m not a minister, and b) we don’t do commandments. To me there’s no such thing as sin and I don’t care what god you worship or don’t believe in god at all. You are welcome here. Non-denominational spiritual straight talk. Support from a circle of soul friends. Oh, fair warning: we talk about angels sometimes cuz they’re real - and you might as well get to know them. Details to come.
If you’re interested in Spiral Journey or Sunday Sanctuary, let me know (by responding to this email) and I’ll get you on the mailing list.
Happy Summer
xxoo
Amy